On Adventures

Tomorrow we will be married for exactly one month. I'm hardly an expert, but I can tell this will be the adventure of all adventures in the best of ways. We are hardly lazy, but our life together is good and filled with laughter and learning. I have been working a lot. Work has been fantastic; but it has stolen a bit of time from newly married life and my social life. I am thankful to have my hands full with work though. This job and the opportunities I have through it are truly a dream come true.

We are working on establishing our routines. So far I've mapped out work out for five days a week. And we try to make dinners together at least three nights a week. We have some exciting things coming up! We are looking forward to our cabin adventure (my FIRST cabin trip) with our friends this coming September. We will also be going to Mumford and Sons in October. YES! Life is good. Jesus is the greatest. Amen.

It feels like an autumn day.

It's beginning to feel more like my favorite season. The air is cool and the world seems quiet. Like the earth is waiting for something marvelous to happen. I adore it. I just wish Luke were here. He's coming home tonight from three days of work training. I feel very fortunate today. I relaxed with Amy and Michelle this morning and then came home to enjoy my garden. I love seeing the little sprouts come up. It feels like watching magic happen.

I feel so much confirmation about where I'm at in life right now. I have experienced so many years questioning myself and making a mess of everything. It is so nice to have peace and confidence in what is ahead of me. God has taken really good care of me. I am learning how to be a good wife and a better friend. I feel blessed to have the unique opportunity to know and love Luke. He is the most stunning person I know.

Newly Wed?

It has been a great while since I last blogged. I am currently sitting in our kitchen at our new home. I have a beer to my right and my husband is madly cooking away in the kitchen, perfecting a beer-barbecue tofu concoction. (I'm not sure how that can get any better.) We're freshly back from our honeymoon trip to San Francisco and Portland. We've been crazy busy since our return: thank you cards, errands, homemaking, and gardening galore. It's been great. Busy and wonderful.

So I survived wedding planning. It was definitely a roller coaster of an event. I don't think I'm a super emotional girl... and I'm not into the rigid traditional ideals that engaged girls are bombarded with. But it did throw me multiple curve balls and I did leave Luke dumbfounded a few times. (Probably wondering how he ended up with a crazy woman.) But in the end, our wedding day was wonderful. I felt present and remember the entire thing. I married a man who is too good to me and loves me fervently. I managed to keep my friends and appreciate them more. I love my husband more now than I first did when I fell for him. (He would find that hard to believe.) But really... marriage is awesome. I feel like people have some horror stories they like to share, not that I expect it to be a piece of cake. But I didn't know having a spouse would be so much fun. I've laughed more than I have ever laughed in my life. We dance horribly... get excited over fruit stands... talk about the animals in our neighborhood and how to charm them into not eating our vegetables... scheme and ponder.

Now dinner is ready and there are more important things to do than blog... but I am excited for the rest of life and all that entails.

Don't Ever Settle

Last week felt sort of dreary for absolutely no reason at all. I felt myself slip into sort of a funk when I had a realization a couple of days ago. I am marrying the man of my dreams (without a doubt) and I am in the salon I set my heart on months ago. I should always be in awe of how Luke and I came together and how amazing he is. I should consistently feel grateful for the opportunity to work in this gorgeous salon with all of the education I could possibly want within reach. Amazing! On top of that, I came across an old notebook of mine recently that contained endless feelings of confusion and sadness. It felt like an out of body experience where I was reading the life of someone else. Those wounds have since been healed and I am living in the process of redemption. Without reading that journal, I would have never realized actually how far I have come. I always diminish my growth because I never want to build myself up... but even now... this is nothing I have done. These are all things God has done because it has been His will. I am blessed to know many friends who have experienced radical change and growth in their lives and it is such a joy to witness. I also have friends who seemed to jump ship and drown in those murky, emotional, and destructive waters. Looking back on it all, I am so grateful I did not settle where it counted. And if you feel like you have settled on certain things- don't worry. I have too. But making the choice to not settle has made all the difference in my life. Never, ever, ever settle.

Forgiveness

I feel like I am being attacked in my sleep. I encounter the few people I am not "okay" with. In my dreams I go through these situations where everything is a trainwreck and my motives are horrible. (I have a really hard time not being friends or not being at peace with people... even in situations where it is more healthy to have distance.) The strange thing is that I don't think about these situations throughout my day... they only come up in dreams. I have really tried to keep my eyes on Jesus, to change. I feel like my heart is different; my intentions are more honest.

Is it possible that we are naturally inclined to be destructive? Does my heart want to rebel from everything I know that is right? Why do I know the truth but dream about things that lead to death? Maybe these things are surfacing in my dreams because of the state of my heart. Perhaps I still have the wrong motives. Maybe I should be looking at my past differently. Maybe I am still lacking forgiveness in my heart. I was told once that when we are mad, it's really because we are hurt. Someone hurt us. I have been hurt and I have really, really hurt people. Forgiveness is a process... and I want to learn how to forgive people better. Not because I am the only person wronged, but because I have caused a great deal of devastation.

I hope that learning to forgive the people in my past will heal my heart. I hope when I dream it is about my friends, the joys of life, and all that could be. I am confident that my life now is only mine by the grace of God. His will and lovingkindness intervened and gave me more than I deserved. I don't want to strive for perfection... but I do want to walk out forgiveness and mercy because I desperately need it.

"You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you." - John 15:3

Today feels different... but I know God's promises are the same. When life feels inconsistent I just have to look at my focus and my "truth" compared to God's heart and God's (ultimate and accurate) truth. I am thankful for God bringing me out of the broken places and clothing me with His righteousness. I am glad my circumstances and my attitude do not dictate whether He loves me or not. I have hope that although things may change around me, God is my rock and my strength. I am not bound. I am not condemned. I am no longer stained from my sin. I am His.

The only thing that is good in me is Jesus.

Life!

• My friends are getting pregnant; my friends will make amazing parents.
• I am elated to spend my life with an amazing man!
• I have enough money to pay my bills.
• My family is expanding; my future mother-in-law is phenomenal.
• God is so gracious. This life is to be treasured; may I not ever take it for granted.