Hello, October.

Last night I told Luke that today would be a very important day. "What's tomorrow?" asks Luke. "October 5th is tomorrow!!!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air. The truth is, nothing grand (that I know of) is happening today. But it is the fifth day of my favorite month. It's beginning to rain, and I am highly anticipating the holiday season. I love being cold and bundling up, drinking hot tea, and peering at heavy skies. It calls for reading and singing, being thankful and making memories. I guess all seasons should be that way... but this particular season always makes me happy.

I begin my new job on Saturday. I am looking forward to the consistency and challenge of my new environment. I used to be afraid of change and growth; now I am confident I only need God to feel secure.

Ebb and Flow

There are inevitably inconsistencies in life. I, for one, have experienced heaps of change these last two years. My new lifestyle has not failed to propose more change. I am undergoing another job change in these next few weeks. I am thrilled to have a new opportunities (steady pay, breaks, education, etc.) and more of a personal life with this upcoming occupation. On a different note, Luke and I will be seeing each other much less thanks to his last year at Cal Poly. (He says 32 hours of our weekly schedule will be different. That seems like quite a bit!) The times they are a-changin'.

But change aside, there are new developments and traditions forming. Luke and my garden is flourishing here on the Mesa! Pretty soon I will have to force produce onto friends and strangers alike. But as silly as it sounds, handing out organic vegetables sounds like a dream come true. The vegetables I have enjoyed so far are incredible. How does that come out of a seed?! I have also been running regularly. This is a strange statement for me because I swore for years I could never be a runner. It is one of my favorite new discoveries. Besides that, our house has been so much fun. Luke and I were cautioned as newlyweds to enter into a household with another couple. But these past few months have been so much fun. The guys and I enjoy beer or cocktails while we all partake in Dexter or films from Netflix. We are having friends over to the house weekly to read the Bible and hang out. We play cards, make tea, and tell stories. We scheme up ways to get rich, activities to pursue, and what we're going to do next. We are all eagerly awaiting Eli's arrival. Which only means more change for all of us!

I am thoroughly convinced of God's love, faithfulness, and satisfaction in the joy we have while we're here.

On Adventures

Tomorrow we will be married for exactly one month. I'm hardly an expert, but I can tell this will be the adventure of all adventures in the best of ways. We are hardly lazy, but our life together is good and filled with laughter and learning. I have been working a lot. Work has been fantastic; but it has stolen a bit of time from newly married life and my social life. I am thankful to have my hands full with work though. This job and the opportunities I have through it are truly a dream come true.

We are working on establishing our routines. So far I've mapped out work out for five days a week. And we try to make dinners together at least three nights a week. We have some exciting things coming up! We are looking forward to our cabin adventure (my FIRST cabin trip) with our friends this coming September. We will also be going to Mumford and Sons in October. YES! Life is good. Jesus is the greatest. Amen.

It feels like an autumn day.

It's beginning to feel more like my favorite season. The air is cool and the world seems quiet. Like the earth is waiting for something marvelous to happen. I adore it. I just wish Luke were here. He's coming home tonight from three days of work training. I feel very fortunate today. I relaxed with Amy and Michelle this morning and then came home to enjoy my garden. I love seeing the little sprouts come up. It feels like watching magic happen.

I feel so much confirmation about where I'm at in life right now. I have experienced so many years questioning myself and making a mess of everything. It is so nice to have peace and confidence in what is ahead of me. God has taken really good care of me. I am learning how to be a good wife and a better friend. I feel blessed to have the unique opportunity to know and love Luke. He is the most stunning person I know.

Newly Wed?

It has been a great while since I last blogged. I am currently sitting in our kitchen at our new home. I have a beer to my right and my husband is madly cooking away in the kitchen, perfecting a beer-barbecue tofu concoction. (I'm not sure how that can get any better.) We're freshly back from our honeymoon trip to San Francisco and Portland. We've been crazy busy since our return: thank you cards, errands, homemaking, and gardening galore. It's been great. Busy and wonderful.

So I survived wedding planning. It was definitely a roller coaster of an event. I don't think I'm a super emotional girl... and I'm not into the rigid traditional ideals that engaged girls are bombarded with. But it did throw me multiple curve balls and I did leave Luke dumbfounded a few times. (Probably wondering how he ended up with a crazy woman.) But in the end, our wedding day was wonderful. I felt present and remember the entire thing. I married a man who is too good to me and loves me fervently. I managed to keep my friends and appreciate them more. I love my husband more now than I first did when I fell for him. (He would find that hard to believe.) But really... marriage is awesome. I feel like people have some horror stories they like to share, not that I expect it to be a piece of cake. But I didn't know having a spouse would be so much fun. I've laughed more than I have ever laughed in my life. We dance horribly... get excited over fruit stands... talk about the animals in our neighborhood and how to charm them into not eating our vegetables... scheme and ponder.

Now dinner is ready and there are more important things to do than blog... but I am excited for the rest of life and all that entails.

Don't Ever Settle

Last week felt sort of dreary for absolutely no reason at all. I felt myself slip into sort of a funk when I had a realization a couple of days ago. I am marrying the man of my dreams (without a doubt) and I am in the salon I set my heart on months ago. I should always be in awe of how Luke and I came together and how amazing he is. I should consistently feel grateful for the opportunity to work in this gorgeous salon with all of the education I could possibly want within reach. Amazing! On top of that, I came across an old notebook of mine recently that contained endless feelings of confusion and sadness. It felt like an out of body experience where I was reading the life of someone else. Those wounds have since been healed and I am living in the process of redemption. Without reading that journal, I would have never realized actually how far I have come. I always diminish my growth because I never want to build myself up... but even now... this is nothing I have done. These are all things God has done because it has been His will. I am blessed to know many friends who have experienced radical change and growth in their lives and it is such a joy to witness. I also have friends who seemed to jump ship and drown in those murky, emotional, and destructive waters. Looking back on it all, I am so grateful I did not settle where it counted. And if you feel like you have settled on certain things- don't worry. I have too. But making the choice to not settle has made all the difference in my life. Never, ever, ever settle.

Forgiveness

I feel like I am being attacked in my sleep. I encounter the few people I am not "okay" with. In my dreams I go through these situations where everything is a trainwreck and my motives are horrible. (I have a really hard time not being friends or not being at peace with people... even in situations where it is more healthy to have distance.) The strange thing is that I don't think about these situations throughout my day... they only come up in dreams. I have really tried to keep my eyes on Jesus, to change. I feel like my heart is different; my intentions are more honest.

Is it possible that we are naturally inclined to be destructive? Does my heart want to rebel from everything I know that is right? Why do I know the truth but dream about things that lead to death? Maybe these things are surfacing in my dreams because of the state of my heart. Perhaps I still have the wrong motives. Maybe I should be looking at my past differently. Maybe I am still lacking forgiveness in my heart. I was told once that when we are mad, it's really because we are hurt. Someone hurt us. I have been hurt and I have really, really hurt people. Forgiveness is a process... and I want to learn how to forgive people better. Not because I am the only person wronged, but because I have caused a great deal of devastation.

I hope that learning to forgive the people in my past will heal my heart. I hope when I dream it is about my friends, the joys of life, and all that could be. I am confident that my life now is only mine by the grace of God. His will and lovingkindness intervened and gave me more than I deserved. I don't want to strive for perfection... but I do want to walk out forgiveness and mercy because I desperately need it.

"You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you." - John 15:3

Today feels different... but I know God's promises are the same. When life feels inconsistent I just have to look at my focus and my "truth" compared to God's heart and God's (ultimate and accurate) truth. I am thankful for God bringing me out of the broken places and clothing me with His righteousness. I am glad my circumstances and my attitude do not dictate whether He loves me or not. I have hope that although things may change around me, God is my rock and my strength. I am not bound. I am not condemned. I am no longer stained from my sin. I am His.

The only thing that is good in me is Jesus.

Life!

• My friends are getting pregnant; my friends will make amazing parents.
• I am elated to spend my life with an amazing man!
• I have enough money to pay my bills.
• My family is expanding; my future mother-in-law is phenomenal.
• God is so gracious. This life is to be treasured; may I not ever take it for granted.

"Today You love me more than anyone has ever loved me"

Last night I was listening to Aaron Strumpel as I drove home after spending some time with friends. His album is wrecking me, in the best way possible. I am shaken by his lyrics, "Today You love me more than anyone has ever loved me." It was something I've heard other ways, many times. But something about it just floored me. I feel like God uses my night drives in peculiar ways. Yesterday I was mulling over different ways that God loves us. It felt like looking through a keyhole, having this incredibly narrow perspective, but catching a glimpse of something that changes the world.

I realized that I have been dreaming of my kids since I was a kid. Making mental lists of their names, pouring energy and delight into the mere notion that they could exist. Last night I thought of looking into my rearview mirror and seeing the face of my child in the backseat, smiling and cooing, happy just to be alive, to be with me. My eyes welled up with the dream that my body could create another living person, one that could love, grow, and know this Jesus that loves furiously. It is a brutal reality that we bring children into the world knowing full well that they will cause us great pain but also inexplicable joy. I felt a unique fear form. I wondered how I could raise them without ruling but with the kind of love that protects and serves. The kind of love that draws them back when they're scared. How much longer has our God looked forward to the day of our birth. How perfectly has He orchestrated the fulfillment of our needs, the desires He concocted to place within the depth of our souls.

The more I think of my children, the more I want to know the Father. My Father. His love is the only perfect love. Edifying, endless, and true.

Jesus, make me the kind of broken that can serve... the kind that sees Your kingdom come on this earth...

"Lord, break me where I have pride and heal me where I'm broken."

"God is love and love is real"

Thank you Jesus...

that my value in Your eyes is not determined by my actions
that You make my brokenness into something precious
that Your heart will never cease to be mysterious and captivating
for loving me through my selfish ways
for knowing that I will always come running back to You
for being faithful even when I am faithless

You are worthy of my praise. You make my heart skip a beat. You bring joy to all of my days...

Fresh

"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name."
-Psalm 119:132

I felt the overwhelming urge to create a new place to write. My life has been lovingly turned upside down this last year. I went from the most secretive, isolated, depressing time of my life to the flourishing, delightful chaos of wedding planning and restoration. I have wrestled through some deeply rooted issues and am still challenged with the consequences of my flesh and sin. I can only feel grateful to work through these things. God continually impresses me with His ability to make a masterpiece out of my shambles. Nothing I have was obtained in my own strength. That is another beauty of this last year... I feel like I am slowly (but surely!) letting things go. My fingers are no longer clutching the past, people, and notions I thought I should claim. Why do we ever want things that God doesn't mean for us to have? I will never know; but I am so thankful to experience the gift of my life now. Learning that people are not possessions is a constant battle. Taking our eyes off ourselves is an endless struggle. But God is so gracious and kind.

I am in constant wonder of how I got here. I have a job. I sleep in a bed. I make enough money to drink foamy soy mistos. Hallelujah! My fiance is exquisite and lovely. I am betrothed to a man who loves Jesus more than me but loves me so much. Luke is evidence in my life that God gives us more than we could want or hope. God gives us what He knows we need, what He knows we can endure (and enjoy!), and what will nudge us that much closer to seeing His heart more clearly. This season may feel like a whirlwind, but I hope I can continue to stop and feel the overwhelming sense of grace in my life.