Forgiveness

I feel like I am being attacked in my sleep. I encounter the few people I am not "okay" with. In my dreams I go through these situations where everything is a trainwreck and my motives are horrible. (I have a really hard time not being friends or not being at peace with people... even in situations where it is more healthy to have distance.) The strange thing is that I don't think about these situations throughout my day... they only come up in dreams. I have really tried to keep my eyes on Jesus, to change. I feel like my heart is different; my intentions are more honest.

Is it possible that we are naturally inclined to be destructive? Does my heart want to rebel from everything I know that is right? Why do I know the truth but dream about things that lead to death? Maybe these things are surfacing in my dreams because of the state of my heart. Perhaps I still have the wrong motives. Maybe I should be looking at my past differently. Maybe I am still lacking forgiveness in my heart. I was told once that when we are mad, it's really because we are hurt. Someone hurt us. I have been hurt and I have really, really hurt people. Forgiveness is a process... and I want to learn how to forgive people better. Not because I am the only person wronged, but because I have caused a great deal of devastation.

I hope that learning to forgive the people in my past will heal my heart. I hope when I dream it is about my friends, the joys of life, and all that could be. I am confident that my life now is only mine by the grace of God. His will and lovingkindness intervened and gave me more than I deserved. I don't want to strive for perfection... but I do want to walk out forgiveness and mercy because I desperately need it.