- My friends are getting pregnant; my friends will make amazing parents.
- I am elated to spend my life with an amazing man!
- I have enough money to pay my bills.
- My family is expanding; my future mother-in-law is phenomenal.
- God is so gracious. This life is to be treasured; may I not ever take it for granted.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Life!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
"Today You love me more than anyone has ever loved me"
Last night I was listening to Aaron Strumpel as I drove home after spending some time with friends. His album is wrecking me, in the best way possible. I am shaken by his lyrics, "Today You love me more than anyone has ever loved me." It was something I've heard other ways, many times. But something about it just floored me. I feel like God uses my night drives in peculiar ways. Yesterday I was mulling over different ways that God loves us. It felt like looking through a keyhole, having this incredibly narrow perspective, but catching a glimpse of something that changes the world.
I realized that I have been dreaming of my kids since I was a kid. Making mental lists of their names, pouring energy and delight into the mere notion that they could exist. Last night I thought of looking into my rearview mirror and seeing the face of my child in the backseat, smiling and cooing, happy just to be alive, to be with me. My eyes welled up with the dream that my body could create another living person, one that could love, grow, and know this Jesus that loves furiously. It is a brutal reality that we bring children into the world knowing full well that they will cause us great pain but also inexplicable joy. I felt a unique fear form. I wondered how I could raise them without ruling but with the kind of love that protects and serves. The kind of love that draws them back when they're scared. How much longer has our God looked forward to the day of our birth. How perfectly has He orchestrated the fulfillment of our needs, the desires He concocted to place within the depth of our souls.
The more I think of my children, the more I want to know the Father. My Father. His love is the only perfect love. Edifying, endless, and true.
I realized that I have been dreaming of my kids since I was a kid. Making mental lists of their names, pouring energy and delight into the mere notion that they could exist. Last night I thought of looking into my rearview mirror and seeing the face of my child in the backseat, smiling and cooing, happy just to be alive, to be with me. My eyes welled up with the dream that my body could create another living person, one that could love, grow, and know this Jesus that loves furiously. It is a brutal reality that we bring children into the world knowing full well that they will cause us great pain but also inexplicable joy. I felt a unique fear form. I wondered how I could raise them without ruling but with the kind of love that protects and serves. The kind of love that draws them back when they're scared. How much longer has our God looked forward to the day of our birth. How perfectly has He orchestrated the fulfillment of our needs, the desires He concocted to place within the depth of our souls.
The more I think of my children, the more I want to know the Father. My Father. His love is the only perfect love. Edifying, endless, and true.
Jesus, make me the kind of broken that can serve... the kind that sees Your kingdom come on this earth...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"God is love and love is real"
Thank you Jesus...
that my value in Your eyes is not determined by my actions
that You make my brokenness into something precious
that Your heart will never cease to be mysterious and captivating
for loving me through my selfish ways
for knowing that I will always come running back to You
for being faithful even when I am faithless
You are worthy of my praise. You make my heart skip a beat. You bring joy to all of my days...
that my value in Your eyes is not determined by my actions
that You make my brokenness into something precious
that Your heart will never cease to be mysterious and captivating
for loving me through my selfish ways
for knowing that I will always come running back to You
for being faithful even when I am faithless
You are worthy of my praise. You make my heart skip a beat. You bring joy to all of my days...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Fresh
"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name."
-Psalm 119:132
I felt the overwhelming urge to create a new place to write. My life has been lovingly turned upside down this last year. I went from the most secretive, isolated, depressing time of my life to the flourishing, delightful chaos of wedding planning and restoration. I have wrestled through some deeply rooted issues and am still challenged with the consequences of my flesh and sin. I can only feel grateful to work through these things. God continually impresses me with His ability to make a masterpiece out of my shambles. Nothing I have was obtained in my own strength. That is another beauty of this last year... I feel like I am slowly (but surely!) letting things go. My fingers are no longer clutching the past, people, and notions I thought I should claim. Why do we ever want things that God doesn't mean for us to have? I will never know; but I am so thankful to experience the gift of my life now. Learning that people are not possessions is a constant battle. Taking our eyes off ourselves is an endless struggle. But God is so gracious and kind.
I am in constant wonder of how I got here. I have a job. I sleep in a bed. I make enough money to drink foamy soy mistos. Hallelujah! My fiance is exquisite and lovely. I am betrothed to a man who loves Jesus more than me but loves me so much. Luke is evidence in my life that God gives us more than we could want or hope. God gives us what He knows we need, what He knows we can endure (and enjoy!), and what will nudge us that much closer to seeing His heart more clearly. This season may feel like a whirlwind, but I hope I can continue to stop and feel the overwhelming sense of grace in my life.
-Psalm 119:132
I felt the overwhelming urge to create a new place to write. My life has been lovingly turned upside down this last year. I went from the most secretive, isolated, depressing time of my life to the flourishing, delightful chaos of wedding planning and restoration. I have wrestled through some deeply rooted issues and am still challenged with the consequences of my flesh and sin. I can only feel grateful to work through these things. God continually impresses me with His ability to make a masterpiece out of my shambles. Nothing I have was obtained in my own strength. That is another beauty of this last year... I feel like I am slowly (but surely!) letting things go. My fingers are no longer clutching the past, people, and notions I thought I should claim. Why do we ever want things that God doesn't mean for us to have? I will never know; but I am so thankful to experience the gift of my life now. Learning that people are not possessions is a constant battle. Taking our eyes off ourselves is an endless struggle. But God is so gracious and kind.
I am in constant wonder of how I got here. I have a job. I sleep in a bed. I make enough money to drink foamy soy mistos. Hallelujah! My fiance is exquisite and lovely. I am betrothed to a man who loves Jesus more than me but loves me so much. Luke is evidence in my life that God gives us more than we could want or hope. God gives us what He knows we need, what He knows we can endure (and enjoy!), and what will nudge us that much closer to seeing His heart more clearly. This season may feel like a whirlwind, but I hope I can continue to stop and feel the overwhelming sense of grace in my life.
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